Hanna,

I must really be an idiot for repeating it over and over. The split second it is heard, it's hard to change the situation of things and it certainly cannot be taken back. I know how you feel yet I still do it. There must be something wrong with me. I apologize for my stupidity towards you.

I did it before. Painful as it is, I have done it. And this I can do again. You were never mine and you never will be it seems. So be it.

Same shit,different day.

Stagnant. That's how i'd put it. It feels that all these past years you're like a cog in my machine that keeps me runnin'. And it feels like you're gone. Well, of course we all know it's my fault for most parts of it. But you're gone. And emptiness mixed with frustration makes my world stop. I look up and I see absolutely nothing ahead of me. Vast disappointment is all I see. And the voices in my head, one huge war is going on. Just loud noises and empty nothingness. I'm just very disappointed in myself ladies and gentlemen. I could have done a whole lot better with whatever chance I had before. Screwing up is just a massive understatement. You're happy now an I'm trying my ultimate best not to ruin it for you. Just promise me you'll still remember me after all the dust has settled down. Or it may be too late by the time you do. Then the Budi that once lived and breathed for you, will cease to exist. Far away in different worlds, with only the slightest thin hope that we will ever meet again.

And it starts again. Do not ever question my friendship. Where were you when I was sick? Don't start this.

I'm sorry Hanna. To probably the sweetest girl that I have ever met, you are a dream girl for everyone. Just not mine. There is just no way that I can reply your love for me except by just being your good friend. Trust me if it was that simple I would have just been with you. I know that in the future there will be this guy who will take your breath away, make you melt every time he speaks and make you smile every time he looks in your eyes. Sadly the guy is just not me.

You are simply too good for me. Regret it I will for myself. But never for you because you deserve so much more than this. I have issues to face, silly petty things that I simply just cannot let go of. Things I have yet to deal with myself that has me exasperated and so tired. I'm not your guy Hanna, but i'll love you the same as all the girls mean so dear to me.

To Krystal, whom I've always thought was my first love, I still do love you as a special friend. You gave me a sneak peek probably to what love is. It was short and brief, but I had one of the best times of my life with you. Years have passed and things may have changed, but you don't deserve the shit that I bitch about you to other people. You are human just like anyone else and you make mistakes too. I am regretfully sorry as to what I have done to you. Only time will show me the punishment that I so rightly deserve. Your smile and your laughter will always remain in my memories which I can never forget. I'm so sorry Krys.

To Aaliyah (Always found this name so sexy), we've had our times. We've gone through a lot of emotional shit together. And I am eternally sorry for the repeated mistakes, the bitching and the anger that you have received from me. You too, do not deserve any of this from me. Whatever that has happened I bring upon myself. I made my friends hate you and also I've hurt you deeply in which no amount of time could ever repair that. Nothing can repair the damage that I have caused. I'm really sorry from the bottom of my heart for hurting you. I have always wanted to give you my life. I've wanted you to be my wife. But i've learnt that this not a possibility. It's over. And now i'm just going with the tide. But please forgive me for the sins I have done against you. You like all of them, do not deserve this.

Last but not least, to Miss Dhabitah Huda. This is the girl who started everything off ladies and gentlemen. The girl who made me smile a very long time ago. You are very dear to me. We may have our differences, but I still love you. I know this being a jerk that I have hurt you many a times, disappointed you and also made you angry. This I apologize for you too do not deserve this from me. We've not been through much. But hell I feel as though we did.

I'm sorry girls, if it's any consolation I'm moving to Canada with such hope that I cannot break your hearts ever again. But you girls will always take my fragile heart away for some tender care and loving. And for that i'm always grateful I had you in my life.

We all will find our true love one day.

It wasn't Dhabitah.

It wasn't Krystal.

It wasn't Nisha.

No it's not Hanna either.

So she's still out there waiting for me. Wait love, and i'll see to it that I love you with every second of my life.

I've given up. Time to go with whatever flow there is. But this time no, it's not you who is hurting me. I asked for it. Still clinging on to every hope that I could still be with you. I will never be good enough for you. And as everybody knows, I'm only your best friend yes? So whatever, i'm just numb from all the pain. Fuck this.